Northern Powerhouse relocated to London

THE best place for the ‘Northern Powerhouse’ scheme is probably in London after all, the government has announced.

The massive investment project for Northern business and infrastructure will now take place in the capital instead, making it easier for government ministers to visit and find a decent restaurant.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “Improving the North would only have made it slightly less shit, but if we spend the money on London it will become even more amazing with moving pavements and a Jamie Oliver restaurant on every corner.

“We won’t need all those new rail links now because Northerners just need a tram to go to the bingo.”

He added: “The Northern Powerhouse would have been wasted on Northerners.”

Hull resident Tom Logan said: “This is a real blow for Northerners like me. I’m only a part-time toilet cleaner, so it would have been a real status boost to clean bogs in a Powerhouse.”