Northerners and Southerners to settle differences with massive fight

THE North and South of Britain are to settle their grudges once and for all with a huge fist fight in neutral Birmingham.

The punch-up, thought to be the biggest of its kind in Europe, is intended to resolve pointless regional tensions such as Southerners allegedly being ‘soft’ and Northerners supposedly all owning whippets.

Fight organiser Martin Bishop said: “The North and South have been trading insults for centuries, so we’re going to do the sensible thing and sort it out with our fists.

“We’ve got more than 45 million men, women and children turning up to batter the living daylights out of each other. It’s going to be magnificent.”

Teacher Tom Booker said: “I’ve heard all the Northern sterotypes – flat caps, pigeons, Alan Bennett monologues. Well now it’s time to face up to these soft Southern jessies and shut their bloody traps.

“If we get a good hiding, so be it. From then on I will accept that I am a thick Northern bastard who says ‘Eeh bah gum’ all the time. The main thing is to get closure and move on.”

Midwife Helen Archer said: “For too long I’ve listened to jibes about lager-drinking Southern ponces. Now we need to kick each other’s heads in and then we can all live in peace.”

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Woman who watches lots of shit TV trying to pass it off as 'research'

A WOMAN whose favourite television programmes include Hollyoaks and Love Island has claimed she only watches trashy shows for ‘research purposes’.

Joanna Kramer said: “Obviously I don’t actually like this rubbish, it’s just very important that I stay on top of what’s happening culturally.

“I’m not technically a TV critic or cultural commentator, but as an admin assistant in an office stationery supplies company, it’s crucial to know what everyone’s talking about.

“I expect it helps my career in some way. Probably.”

Kramer was unable to elaborate on how binge-watching 10-year-old episodes of America’s Next Top Model was useful in any way, and instead made a confused statement about being “part of the zeitgeist”.

Kramer’s boss Carolyn Ryan said: “I can assure Joanna that her career prospects are not improved by watching an enormous amount of shit TV.

“Nobody else here watches Geordie Shore, so please feel free to let Joanna know she doesn’t have to sit through it on our account.”

Kramer added: “Sorry, I missed that, Hayley was totally dissing Eyal and I got carried away shouting at the telly. For research.”