'Nothing' tops elderly men's Christmas lists

YOUR old dad doesn’t want anything for Christmas, according to a new survey.

97% of men in the 50-80 age bracket have said they don’t want anyone to buy them anything, and in fact seemed quite annoyed about being asked.

64-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I’ve got everything I want.

“I don’t mean that in a schmaltzy ‘I’m already the richest man in the world’ kind of way. I just want you to leave me alone.”



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One Direction album about heroin

THE new album from boy band One Direction is all about smack.

1D member Harry Styles said: “The new album is called Take Me Home. It’s actually written from the perspective of a bag of heroin.

“There’s a track Heart Attack that’s about OD’ing, and Over Again is about the nagging compulsion to take more smack.”

Marketing executive Julian Cook said: “It’s a shrewd commercial move – the junkie market is global and it’s ever-growing. Loads of smackheads were into Take That.”