Erotic novel about man who is controlling in a really petty way

A WOMEN’S erotica novel about a relationship with a pernickety twat is smashing sales records.

Bob Scott, anti-hero of Emma Bradford’s million-selling I Don’t Really Want You Borrowing My Coat Again is controlling in an annoying, fussy way.

In one scene he has a go at the female protagonist, Cecile, for leaving her shoes in the bedroom, saying: “Shoes don’t go in the bedroom! Shoes go under the stairs.

“I’ve told you that a million times.”

Bradford said: “Bob has quite a dark past, his parents were really annoying and never allowed him to buy sweets with his pocket money. So he’s grown up into a right knob.

“A sexy, mysterious knob.”

Fan Eleanor Shaw said: “I like to imagine myself as Cecile, with Bob getting narked with me about some insignificant thing.

“The scene where Bob tells Cecile she can’t use his car on Tuesday, even though he isn’t using it himself, is super hot.”

Bradford is currently writing a sequel, I Told You We Can’t Afford To Shop In Waitrose.



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Cigarette that kills non-smokers launched

A NEW type of cigarette transfers its negative health effects to the nearest non-smoker.

Quantum Fags were developed by scientists who believe passionately that cigarettes were killing the wrong people, as non-smokers are generally more annoying.

They developed nicotine particles that can exist simultaneously in two places at once.

The pleasure-giving chemicals remaining within the smokers’ lungs while the deadly stuff teleports into the nearest non-smoker, making them cough terribly.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Someone who hasn’t smoked their whole life, and more to the point wouldn’t hesitate to tell you about it, will find themselves wheezing like a dinner lady.

“Thus society can remove its priggish killjoys by furiously smoking them to death whilst having a bloody good time in the process.”

Smoker Roy Hobbs said: “I have always felt it was unfair that smoking kills you. Much better that a total stranger should die.

“Will their fingers turn yellow? That would be really clever.”