Now is worst time to be young, if you exclude generations who fought in wars

‘MILLENNIALS’ are the least fortunate generation in recent history apart from the ones who got conscripted, it has been claimed.

Twenty-somethings are blaming rising house prices, stagnant wages and too many cool new Apple products for making them the worst-off generation, if you forget those who were young adults during World War One or World War Two.

23-year-old trainee arts curator Julian Cook said: “I really want to move out but I’m stuck at my parent’s house, where I have all my food and clothes-washing taken care of but it’s really quite oppressive and my dad sometimes makes sexist jokes.

“Also there’s a girl I really like but I don’t think she likes me. And I saw a cool jumper in American Apparel but I can’t afford it.”

However 94-year-old D Day veteran Roy Hobbs said: “I understand that modern society is really unfair and that is a terrible shame.

“But I had to jump out of a boat while there were people shooting at it with guns and cannons.

“Then I landed on a beach where there were lots of other people shooting at me, and I had to kill several of them which still haunts my days and nights.

“So life wasn’t all a bed of roses.”

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Morrissey too cheerful to be our mayor, say Londoners

MORRISSEY is too friendly and upbeat to represent London, it has been claimed.

Following reports that the singer may stand for London’s mayorship on an animal rights ticket, residents of the capital said he was too positive for their tastes.

Accountant Donna Sheridan said: “Morrissey always says he’s miserable, but I’m 43 and living in a converted hallway with a toilet in a plasterboard cubicle.

“If he wants Londoners to vote for him he should do a song called Basically I Just Work and Go to Shitty All Bar Ones Full of Arseholes.

“However I know he’s against transporting livestock in cruel conditions, so maybe he could do something about my tube journey.”

Electrician Tom Logan said: “Morrissey acts like a moody unfriendly bastard but I bet if he collided with you while striding head-down through Paddington station he’d apologise, unlike me.

“I don’t think Morrissey can claim to have felt lonely until he’s been on a night bus with a mentally ill racist, a menacing teenage gang and a guy in a suit urinating down the stairs.

“If he became mayor he’d start off all keen, then something would happen like a shopkeeper being really rude for no reason and he’d just think ‘fuck you all’, as we Londoners do every day.