Objectionable prick regularly gets small discounts

AN INSUFFERABLE twat who argues the toss about every minor thing regularly gets 15 per cent off in shops, he has confirmed. 

Martin Bishop is unable to eat a meal or stay in a hotel without haranguing the staff with a list of spurious complaints, and is usually given money off just to make him go away. 

He said: “I don’t understand people who pay full retail price when all it takes is 20-25 minutes of making everyone hate you to save yourself a tenner. 

“I’ve never got anything off the internet without a fortnight of emails claiming it was damaged, I spend two hours threatening to cancel my broadband every month, and yesterday I got a free latte because I was insulted by Starbucks’ misspelling of my name. 

“Granted I’m naturally disagreeable, but when will everyone realise that minutely examining a shirt for loose stitching then causing a huge song-and-dance about it is the way forward? 

“Sometimes it’s lonely being the only one demanding to see the manager. Ah well. All the more discounts for me.” 

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Martin has proved that being an arsehole is its own reward. But there is a price, in that you have to be an arsehole.” 

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Any policies you quite like are bullshit, confirms media

ANY policies that seem like a good idea to you are actually total bullshit, newspapers have confirmed.

After Labour unveiled its manifesto, journalists immediately pointed out that ideas like higher taxes for the wealthy and publicly owned services were totally insane.

Daily Mail reporter Donna Sheridan said: “Voters could easily think running natural monopolies for the public good instead of rip-off profits is a good idea, so it’s important we provide balance and explain you’re fucking mad if you think that.

“We don’t need to criticise Tory spending in the same way because they always find money from somewhere for vital projects like HS2 and Brexit.”

Telegraph news editor Norman Steele said: “Utopian ideas like employing slightly more policemen never work because of complicated money reasons only English graduate journalists like me can understand.

“Everyone knows it’s a short step from free childcare to putting everyone in socialist death camps.”

Plumber Martin Bishop said: “Corbyn’s policies didn’t sound all that controversial to me but luckily I saw a copy of the Express and found out it was him who murdered Princess Diana.”