Office worker strangely not praised for being shitfaced in meeting

AN EMPLOYEE was surprised to receive a formal warning for drinking heavily in a meeting like Sports Direct boss Mike Ashley.

Administrator Wayne Hayes assumed Ashley’s drink-fuelled meetings were the sort of ballsy, unconventional behaviour that would be welcomed in the business world.

Hayes said: “I drank nine pints at lunchtime then staggered into a meeting with a catering-size bottle of gin. People looked shocked but I just assumed they weren’t up to speed on modern business practices.

“My boss Lorna asked me what the hell I was doing, so I challenged her to a drinking competition. She’s clearly not a team player because she wouldn’t touch the vodka shots I lined up for her.

“For some reason I got the urge to give everyone a macho motivational speech, so I staggered round the room shouting ‘We’re gonna make BILLIONS because we’ve got BIG FUCKING BALLS!’

“Then I was sick on a photocopier, but rather than cheering me on everyone kept saying ‘Oh my god!’.

“The next day Lorna gave me a massive bollocking instead of praising my no-nonsense style. She’ll be sorry when she’s working for me in my massive fuck off warehouse and I won’t even give her a free mug.”

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Wimbledon crowd cheers as Murray's opponent mauled by bear

WIMBLEDON fans rejoiced as Andrew Murray’s opponent was attacked by a brown bear, it has emerged.

The aggressive 500kg bear was a welcome arrival on Centre Court, sinking its huge knife-like teeth into the non-Murray player, whose name is unimportant, at a vital moment in the second set.

Murray fan Tom Logan said: “It is a shame that the non-Murray player was dragged across the court in the maw of a ferocious carnivore, but dealing with unexpected circumstances is part of being a professional sportsman.

“Also Andy was playing with a sore hip so I think that makes it fair.

“As any great player does, Andy took full advantage of his opening by coolly serving out the match without letting the bear’s noisy feeding across the net bother him. It was a fantastic performance, plus we all had some strawberries.”

He added: “Presumably the bear escaped from a zoo or something, I can’t imagine it had a ticket.”