AN IMMUNITY to caffeine has led to a growing number of office workers
switching to crack, according to new research.
Experts said an increasing number of British workers are using the high strength drug in a bid to manipulate time and fill themselves with the pure euphoria they need to get through a marketing seminar without bursting into tears.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The effects of caffeine do now seem to be overstated but even a little bit of crack can see an average staff member produce 70 pages of work an hour, even if most of it is barely-comprehensible obscenity.”
Increased crack consumption has also helped productivity as more workers forego food-based lunch breaks to stay at their desk and pound their keyboards in a spittle-flecked fury.
One coffee vendor outside Bank station in London has started selling
crack-laced hot drinks to morning commuters hurtling toward their
ten-hour living nightmare.
Charlie Reeves, owner of Crackaccinos,
said: “One of my customers works on the 43rd floor of the Natwest Tower
and since I’ve changed to crack drinks he’s stopped taking the lift.”
Accountant Tom Logan said: “Cleaning the cafetiere, buying milk, checking the coffee’s fair trade – wasteoftimewasteoftimewasteoftime.
“Pipe, lighter, rock and I’m ready to whoooOOOHHHHH YEAAAHHH FUCK LET’S GO! LET’S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!
He added: “DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! AHA HA HA HA HA HA. CRACK FUCKING RULES!”
Meanwhile, Professor Brubaker has advised companies to look out for the key signs of employee crack-breaks, including plummeting weight, severe depression, fight clubs and a firmly-held conviction that a swarm of crayfish are living under their eyelids.