WORKERS in offices have been ordered to stop defecating on each other’s computer keyboards.
Tests by the consumer group Which? revealed that 90% of workplace keyboards now contain human faeces belonging to someone other than the keyboard user.
Which? said the main cause of contamination was workers being gripped by uncontrollable stomach cramps after eating a ghastly prawn sandwich at their desk.
Abby Quinn, a Which? researcher, said: "In an emergency the choice is limited to your waste paper basket, your filing cabinet, or your neighbour's keyboard. It's what they call a 'no brainer'."
Call-centre worker Danny Tilford said he emailed his boss to complain after one particularly bad defecation left his keyboard clogged with undigested sweetcorn.
He said: "I saw all this shit and just fired off: 'Smmme fkkknnng bstrdd hs ssshhhhhhtt ll ovr mi fkkkkkkkng kebbdd. Agn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"'Hlf if mi fkkkkng vwls wnt wrk, an any of th kys tht do wrk, stck lk fckkk!! Th whl thnnngg drvnggg mi fkkkkng insnn!!!!!!!!!!!!
"'Hw m I sppsed ti d ny wrk whn mi fkkkkng kebbdd is ttly fkkkkng shttd up with shhtt? Ths s nt th fst tme ths hs hppnnn. Yu nd t stp ths rght nw, yu fkkkkng grt usls twt!!!!!!!!!!'
"And who got the sack? Not Mr Shitter."