Old people: are they a bad thing? A Daily Telegraph investigation

WE hear a lot of sentimental nonsense about old people. But would it really have been a bad thing to clear a few hundred thousand out in late 2020? We investigate.

Everyone knows the stereotype of the elderly: twinkling eyes, handing out Bourbons and wise advice, requiring no more maintenance than cups of tea and trips to the lavatory.

But, sadly, this image only exists in the minds of the young, the woke, and those inferior minds warped by socialism. In the Britain of 2023, it is a very different story.

Here, vicious old people lurk behind the doors of their subsidised housing, hissing, ready to strike like vipers at anyone who sensibly suggests reducing their sacred triple lock.

No longer reliably xenophobic or sensibly warmongering, the pensioner of today is no more or less than a parasite. Claiming benefits, refusing to work, heating their houses like a cannabis farm and demanding we pay.

They busy themselves running steam railways and attending watercolour classes as if they have earned the right. None followed Captain Tom’s brave example by raising millions for the NHS then selflessly passing on rather than drain it.

So when a certain ex-prime minister suggested Covid was nature’s way of dealing with the scourge of the old, was he right as always? Well, it would ease pressure on the public purse. The housing crisis would be over. We wouldn’t need immigrants for care homes.

But Boris baulked at letting the virus rip when he realised the full scale of the tragedy – the unfair and aspiration-crushing 40 per cent inheritance tax still imposed on our country would have punished millions of innocents.

So first repeal that. Then buy a new brew of Covid from China and let’s sweep those old crocks into the dustbin of history.

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Women only watching porn for home design ideas

WOMEN have confirmed that the most stimulating part of pornography for them is the interior design details. 

Although women watching porn is taken to be them confidently enjoying their sexuality, they have admitted what really gets them hot is the spacious kitchens, king-size beds and walk-in wardrobes. 

Francesca Johnson said: “Initially I was reluctant when my husband Martin suggested watching porn together. I didn’t realise I was missing out on some of the most desirable properties in the world.

“It’s just so stimulating, from cool California beach houses that can sleep enough guests for an orgy, to mansions with rooms for several maids, all of whom have lesbian tendencies. 

“I particularly favour storylines involving a babysitter or nanny as you know that couple will have the most upmarket property. I was completely turned on by the guy doing the childminder over the kitchen counter. I couldn’t stop myself shouting ‘Look at the quality of that granite!’

“We watched another that promised a facial finish, but I was more excited by the chrome finish on the taps. I had to envy that MILF – multiple orgasms and her own sparkling water tap.”

Husband Martin Johnson said: “So long as I get to watch cheerleaders showering together, I don’t mind if Francesca’s touching herself at the sight of the marble effect bathroom tiles.”