A DOWNING street staffer has told the Covid inquiry the ex-prime minister had the wrong ‘skill set’ to deal with Covid. So what type of crisis would he be capable of dealing with?
Posh girls not getting enough sex
There’s a lot of horsey totty in the world, and some of them aren’t getting as much action as they’d like. Luckily, there’s someone with a very specific set of skills who can help. Boris Johnson has spent his life shagging his way through the upper echelons of society, and it’s unlikely he’ll stop any time soon, whatever Carrie may believe.
A shortage of low-quality car reviews
Long before he was an unqualified prime minister, Boris was an unqualified car reviewer, once writing about driving a Ferrari that: ‘It was as though the whole county of Hampshire was lying back and opening her well-bred legs to be ravished by the Italian stallion.’ Now he has plenty of time on his hands, Boris could return to this important work, should any other English counties wish to be similarly defiled.
The state pension bill needing to be cut dramatically
What do you do when you have an ageing population and an astronomical state pension bill? Make cuts elsewhere? Increase the retirement age? No, you simply cull the elderly by allowing a potentially fatal disease to run rampant throughout the population. It takes a spectacular level of couldn’t-give-a-shittery to agree with this strategy, something Boris has in abundance.
Number 10 staff feeling overworked
Are you and your colleagues feeling overwhelmed and exhausted due to a pandemic gripping the country? What you need is a party to take your mind off things. Boris Johnson is just the man to invite, as he’ll ignore all safety guidance, neck some booze, and even read out the quiz questions. And then brazenly lie about it. There aren’t many people capable of that.
A lack of toadying books about Winston Churchill
Uh oh, has there been a worrying drop-off in the amount of people lionising Winston Churchill, even though he’s been dead for 58 years? Boris will come to the rescue with an obsequious tome about the wonders of the British bulldog. Of course he’s only bothered to sit down and do it so he can draw parallels with himself and a national hero, but that level of narcissism doesn’t come naturally to many people.
The global population is decreasing, which is a threat to economic growth. But we don’t need to fret because Boris Johnson is doing everything he can to reverse the downward decline. How? By having so many children he doesn’t know how many he’s got anymore. He must have produced at least the population of the Isles of Scilly by now.