Six national crises perfect for Boris Johnson's f**king useless skillset

A DOWNING street staffer has told the Covid inquiry the ex-prime minister had the wrong ‘skill set’ to deal with Covid. So what type of crisis would he be capable of dealing with?

Posh girls not getting enough sex

There’s a lot of horsey totty in the world, and some of them aren’t getting as much action as they’d like. Luckily, there’s someone with a very specific set of skills who can help. Boris Johnson has spent his life shagging his way through the upper echelons of society, and it’s unlikely he’ll stop any time soon, whatever Carrie may believe.

A shortage of low-quality car reviews

Long before he was an unqualified prime minister, Boris was an unqualified car reviewer, once writing about driving a Ferrari that: ‘It was as though the whole county of Hampshire was lying back and opening her well-bred legs to be ravished by the Italian stallion.’ Now he has plenty of time on his hands, Boris could return to this important work, should any other English counties wish to be similarly defiled.

The state pension bill needing to be cut dramatically

What do you do when you have an ageing population and an astronomical state pension bill? Make cuts elsewhere? Increase the retirement age? No, you simply cull the elderly by allowing a potentially fatal disease to run rampant throughout the population. It takes a spectacular level of couldn’t-give-a-shittery to agree with this strategy, something Boris has in abundance.

Number 10 staff feeling overworked

Are you and your colleagues feeling overwhelmed and exhausted due to a pandemic gripping the country? What you need is a party to take your mind off things. Boris Johnson is just the man to invite, as he’ll ignore all safety guidance, neck some booze, and even read out the quiz questions. And then brazenly lie about it. There aren’t many people capable of that.

A lack of toadying books about Winston Churchill

Uh oh, has there been a worrying drop-off in the amount of people lionising Winston Churchill, even though he’s been dead for 58 years? Boris will come to the rescue with an obsequious tome about the wonders of the British bulldog. Of course he’s only bothered to sit down and do it so he can draw parallels with himself and a national hero, but that level of narcissism doesn’t come naturally to many people.

Population decline

The global population is decreasing, which is a threat to economic growth. But we don’t need to fret because Boris Johnson is doing everything he can to reverse the downward decline. How? By having so many children he doesn’t know how many he’s got anymore. He must have produced at least the population of the Isles of Scilly by now.

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American treated to traditional British Halloween of getting shitfaced in regular clothes

A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.

American Tom Logan was invited to celebrate Halloween in the UK by going to the pub wearing whatever he would normally wear and zero spooky bullshit.

He said: “I was super excited to explore the traditions of our sister country. Like my God, this is where all the castles and witches come from, so it’s going to be scary as hell.

“My buddies said to wear jeans and a shirt, which I thought was a little weird but in keeping with understated British culture, and to meet at 6pm for a ‘real session’.

“We began by drinking a traditional British Halloween potion called Jäegermeister, a mixture of occult spices from a spooky green bottle, poured into a tiny glass cauldron then dropped into a large glass flagon of Stella Artois. It was magical. I felt like I was levitating.

“Instead of going house-to-house trick-or-treating we went pub-to-pub and had to drink two rounds in each to keep spectres away, and then we ran down the streets shouting ‘whooo’ like ghosts.

“It was awesome, so much more authentically macabre than American Halloween. I woke up shivering and plagued with dread, and I’d shat myself.”