OLDER generations have got it easy with their massive homes and life savings. Here’s why national service would sort them out.
It will give them a sense of purpose
Old people are a listless demographic who while away their days by watching Countdown and getting hip replacements. They’re crying out for something more fulfilling to do, and what better to keep them occupied than peacetime conscription? Thanks to never having to fight in an actual war themselves, they’ll think it’s nothing more than a jolly lark.
They need toughening up
Geriatrics love to mock today’s youth for being weak and thin skinned, but it’s not like they’re tough shit either. Most of them can barely get up the stairs or into a bath without a special mechanised contraption, so clearly they could do with growing a pair. Once they can do 20 press ups in full military uniform, then they can go back to dissing millennials.
It would be unfair on them to miss out
Fairness is massively important to the elderly. That’s why, after reaping all the benefits of a post-war society, they decided to pull up all the ladders behind them. In this spirit of equality, every semi-able-bodied person aged 65 and over should be given a dummy rifle and forced to crawl through mud with a grateful smile on their wrinkly face. Payback’s a bitch.
They’ve been begging for it for years
Old people have been gruffly demanding the return of national service for decades while furiously rifling through the Daily Mail, so let’s give them what they want. Being forced to do star jumps and sleep in a barracks might seem like a bizarre desire to normal, level-headed people, but who are we to yuck somebody else’s yum?
They’re not doing anything else
When they’re not loitering around bingo halls, the only thing pensioners do is sit in their massive houses and guzzle on the state’s teat. Marching around an airfield would stave off dementia far more effectively than a bumper book of crosswords, plus it would put them to good use. It’s either that or manning the tills at Waitrose, and nobody wants that. Especially customers in a hurry.