Older people are entitled and soft, here's why national service is the answer

OLDER generations have got it easy with their massive homes and life savings. Here’s why national service would sort them out.

It will give them a sense of purpose

Old people are a listless demographic who while away their days by watching Countdown and getting hip replacements. They’re crying out for something more fulfilling to do, and what better to keep them occupied than peacetime conscription? Thanks to never having to fight in an actual war themselves, they’ll think it’s nothing more than a jolly lark.

They need toughening up

Geriatrics love to mock today’s youth for being weak and thin skinned, but it’s not like they’re tough shit either. Most of them can barely get up the stairs or into a bath without a special mechanised contraption, so clearly they could do with growing a pair. Once they can do 20 press ups in full military uniform, then they can go back to dissing millennials.

It would be unfair on them to miss out

Fairness is massively important to the elderly. That’s why, after reaping all the benefits of a post-war society, they decided to pull up all the ladders behind them. In this spirit of equality, every semi-able-bodied person aged 65 and over should be given a dummy rifle and forced to crawl through mud with a grateful smile on their wrinkly face. Payback’s a bitch.

They’ve been begging for it for years

Old people have been gruffly demanding the return of national service for decades while furiously rifling through the Daily Mail, so let’s give them what they want. Being forced to do star jumps and sleep in a barracks might seem like a bizarre desire to normal, level-headed people, but who are we to yuck somebody else’s yum?

They’re not doing anything else

When they’re not loitering around bingo halls, the only thing pensioners do is sit in their massive houses and guzzle on the state’s teat. Marching around an airfield would stave off dementia far more effectively than a bumper book of crosswords, plus it would put them to good use. It’s either that or manning the tills at Waitrose, and nobody wants that. Especially customers in a hurry.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Artisan loaf too oddly shaped to make sandwiches

A MAN is unable to make a sandwich after discovering that the handcrafted sourdough loaf he bought is too weird a shape to cut into decent slices.

Julian Cook purchased the bread from an artisan micro-bakery, feeling obliged to go through with the purchase even when he was informed it cost £5.50.

Cook said: “It was horrifically expensive. But they’re an independent local business and I’m full of middle-class guilt, so I sucked it up, thinking I could make a nice sandwich with the rare cheese and amusingly named pickle I’d got from the farmers’ market.

“However, when I cut the end off I realised that part was only quarter of the size of a proper slice. I tried cutting a couple of decent slices from the middle of the loaf, but the only section that was a normal size turned out to be hiding a huge air bubble so there was no actual bread for me to put my filling on.

“I couldn’t even put bits from separate parts of the loaf together because its rough-hewn shape meant there weren’t two slices that would match up to make anything resembling a sensible sandwich.

“So I gave it to the birds and went out for a loaf of Warburtons. That’s real bread, whatever the Guardian food magazine tells you.”