Donald Trump to commit series of high-profile murders to bump popularity further

DONALD Trump is mulling the possibility of taking up serial murder to give another boost to his 2024 electoral prospects.

Having seen his popularity rise among Republicans after being found liable for rape, and following publication of a mugshot taken when he was charged with trying to overturn the 2020 election result, the ex-president has decided it is time to up the ante.

Trump said: “We’ve seen how people react every time I’m indicted. My popularity grows bigly. Now it’s time for it to grow even biglier.

“So I’m going to become the bigliest thing since Charles Manson. And after these murders they’re going to come for me in a politically motivated witch-hunt.

“My people, my base, they’ll see Sleepy Joe and the Washington establishment attack me for these murders I committed and they’ll see the accusations for what they are. Revenge from my enemies, because I will be the best murderer, with a gold-plated knife. It’ll be classy, like my toilet.”

Already, hundreds of Trump’s support base have volunteered to be murdered by their political hero.

Tom Logan from Texas said: “Whether it’s pillow suffocation in a motel, or a shot in the head in a shopping mall, or just a plain old fashioned stab in the back in an alleyway, I’m ready to step up for Mr Trump and help Make America Great Again.”

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Is your child's school a collapsing deathtrap? We’re not telling you, says government

IS your child’s school built with 40-year-old concrete on the verge of collapse? Please wait for a letter from your school’s headteacher to confirm.

Will your child be returning to school after six weeks of summer holidays, or will they be staying at home for lessons via Zoom while you scramble to arrange some form of childcare that isn’t losing your job? Again, wait to be notified.

Do we know which schools have the light, airy crumbling concrete? We know 156 of them. We’re doing surveys on the others. Whether your specific school falls down on your specific child is very much up in the air.

Why aren’t we revealing which schools are affected? Quite simply, we’re trying to avoid any negative publicity as education is one of the few areas we’ve not had catastrophic errors in recently.

But doesn’t that mean every parent in England is worried, rather than the relatively small number actually affected? Mm. Actually perhaps we’ve not thought this through.

And wouldn’t the ideal time to address this be at the beginning of a six-week summer holiday, rather than the end? Look, we can all be Captain Hindsight. We’ve only known about this since 1994. We’ve sent out questionnaires. We’ve not been idle.

So can your child safely return to school? Maybe. Probably. Wait for the school to tell you, if and when they find out. Isn’t this fun?