Over 30s not on property ladder 'can f**k off'

YOUNG people desperately need help buying their own home but anyone over 30 can just suck it, society has decided.

The government has promised help for young first-time buyers but not anyone who has been working for a decade, because they are useless tossers who deserve to live in shitty rented bedsits until they die.

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “If you’re over 30 without a property you’ve clearly been dossing around instead of working and saving obsessively, or haranguing your parents for a deposit.

“It’s probably better that you don’t buy a house because that might encourage you to start a family and pollute the gene pool with your lazy, financially irresponsible DNA.

“If you somehow buy one of our cheap starter homes you’ll be evicted and replaced with more deserving people, like a smart young couple who only care about ISAs and spending money in big shops.”

45-year-old Tom Logan said: “I rang up to enquire about help buying my first home but they said the best thing was to rent until I become senile and incontinent and get put in a home.”

Property expert Nikki Hollis said: “Older people should not feel excluded from the government’s cheaper homes initiative because there is literally no chance these half-arsed idiots will actully build them.”

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I hated transgenders until I became a fabulous princess! by Peter Hitchens

By Peter Hitchens

TRANSGENDERISM is a sickening politically correct fad used to undermine traditional values by the liberal-fascist Thought Police. Or so I thought until I looked inside my granddaughter’s dressing-up box.

While my daughter’s family was staying for the weekend I noticed the gaily decorated box containing such items as a tiara, fairy wand and plastic tiara, no doubt inspired by some wretched film by feminist propagandists Disney.

Since all school pupils are now required to experiment with gender-bending, in the interests of research I tried on the tiara to experience the terrified confusion of a small boy ordered to become a girl by a bullying Marxist teacher.

But instead of nausea I felt a strange sense of delight. Alone in the house, I decided to investigate further by putting on my wife’s old ball gown and dancing around singing Someday My Prince Will Come.  

Soon I was no longer Peter Hitchens but the fabulous Princess Peterina, who became even more pretty and feminine with the application of some makeup and a dab of perfume!

I was surprised by how at ease I felt in women’s clothing, even a bra. I definitely intend to invest in a couple of dresses and perhaps some sheer silk stockings, just for the comfort and practicality.

When my family returned they were shocked by my appearance but I explained it is compulsory nowadays to dress as a beautiful princess who all the handsome young princes wish to marry.

In fact later I intend to slip into a backless evening dress to write an article about how global warming scientists are living a lie.