Olympic volunteers given rocket launchers

UNPAID workers at the Olympic site will be given surface-to-air weapons and asked to look out for anything suspicious, it has been confirmed.

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Volunteers are to be handed portable rocket launchers after it emerged that the government’s security contract only converted half a dozen alsatians and a rubber ink stamp for people wanting re-entry.

Lord Coe said “We’ve got very little time before it all starts so we’re just going to sit four thousand volunteers in front of a few training films like The Expendables and Die Hard II.

“To save on costs, they will also be encouraged to bring their own weapons from home, like knives. Or forks.

“As a rough rule of thumb we’re telling them to attack anyone with a rucksack just to be on the safe side, and if they see a plane fly over the area they’re to shout ‘Scatter!’ at the top of their voice before opening fire. Luckily the rockets are easy to use because they’re heat-seeking.

“Thinking about it, that probably means we should move the burger stalls out of the main arena.”

A small amount of heavy artillery has been issued to a handful of volunteers who are particularly good at Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and they will be deployed at the top of the Olympic Orbit Tower next to the fridge magnet concession.

Coe added: “Once in a lifetime occasion. Amazing spectacle. Showcase for Britain. Under budget. There, will that do?”