Gordon Brown 'anally probed by ETs'

GORDON Brown was painfully probed by aliens at the behest of Tony Blair, government files have revealed.

Declassified Ministry of Defence files show that in 1998 Tony Blair repeatedly met with extra terrestrial humanoids. He apparently paid them £75,000 to kidnap Gordon Brown in their saucer and give him a ‘severe bum drilling’.

A Downing Street source said: “I remember Tony had received a letter from a member of the public who claimed to have had a large whirring implement put up their backside by bulbous-headed aliens.

“Tony said ‘that sounds truly horrible’, then narrowed his eyes and looked across the room to where Gordon was counting coppers into a jar with a face like thunder.”

The following day, Blair arranged a meeting with MOD officials and their secret alien contact, a being called Skylax from the Zeta Reticula star system.

According to the declassified files, Blair supplied the alien with information about Brown’s dog-walking routine, an envelope stuffed with cash and instructions to ‘show no mercy’.

Skylax apparently showed the Prime Minister a bladed instrument called ‘the space corer’ which he used for ‘special deep probing’, in response to which Blair nodded enthusiastically.

The joyless Scottish chancellor was found by walkers on Clapham Common the following morning, naked and confused.

UFO expert Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not unusual to find politicians lurking in parks at 3am so the whole thing was easily brushed aside as a run-of-the-mill gay sex scandal.

“Gordon never knew that Blair had set him up to be anally defiled by space beings. He just thought it was typical bad luck.”



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My f*cking boss reckons I need to work harder

Dear Holly,

My boss and I are having a disagreement in that he thinks I should do less talking and more work, whereas I think he should fuck off and leave me the hell alone. How can we settle this debate?



Dear Andy,

If you were a girl I would suggest a skipping competition or some sort of psychologically damaging death stares, but you’re a boy so the only thing you can do is challenge him to a fight in the playground when the teacher is busy wrestling a firework from one of the ADHDs. Start off by grabbing your opponent’s Thundercats lunchbox in a masculine display of aggression and toss it to the ground so his Um-Bongo bursts and Wotsits go scudding across the concrete. He’ll probably go straight for the body shot and attempt to pull your school jumper over your head and swing you round and round until you go flying; but be ready for him: duck between his legs and dart swiftly upwards like a ninja, at the same time pulling hard on the hood of his duffel coat so he loses balance. With any luck, all his conkers and marbles and novelty erasers will fall from his trouser pocket and scatter far and wide, and he will be left sobbing and scrabbling in the dirt like a pathetic fool while you look down on him, victorious.

Hope that helps!