Only thing family knows about man is that he likes chutney

A MAN  has managed to share so little of himself that all relatives know is that he likes chutney.

Roy Hobbs, an enigmatic accountant and father of two, has not revealed anything about himself for years except his enjoyment of savoury preserves.

Roy said: “A decade ago I ate some tomato chutney that actually tasted of something, and I suppose I must have made the right noises and facial expressions because every birthday and Christmas since I have been given chutney.”

Hobbs’s wife, Sheila, said: “When people ask me for gift ideas for Roy, chutney is all I can think of to tell them.

“I’d love to know what’s on his mind, but he’s not a big talker, and he’s certainly no listener. The children and I have come to accept him as a barely animate but completely benign presence in the house.”

Hobbs added: “I could open up and talk about my love of 15th century Flemish art, or how fiendishly elusive true happiness feels, but I’d rather just keep quiet and be the fat git eating something wet and lumpy with his cheese.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

2016 best year of my life, says f**king idiot

A MORON has hailed 2016 as the year in which everything looked rosy for the future and things went just great overall.

Norman Steele, 25, who works as a consultant in a property development firm, was granted a promotion and a 20 per cent  pay rise the day David Bowie died.

Shit-for-brains Steele said, “Everyone was a bit glum in the pub that evening for some reason but I put on that song Heroes and danced around like a nutter.”

Twathead Steele also played Prince’s 1999 on the jukebox the night after Britain voted to leave the EU. He said: “I wish Nigel Farage had been there so I could have bought him a drink. He’s only gone and earned £350 million a week for the NHS. They should name a wing after him or something.”

Steele won £2000 after betting on Donald Trump to win the Presidential election: “It was like, go the underdog! Bloody brilliant. I think I might spend it on a holiday, somewhere exotic like Syria.

“It’s been a bloody great year. The only downside was Leicester winning the Premier League. I’m a Chelsea fan, so gutted, but roll on 2017!”