Woman unable to find nice top not ruined by one weird detail

A WOMAN shopping for a new top is unable to find one that has not been ruined by an unnecessary details like a fake pockets or odd words. 

Nikki Hollis has tried on numerous tops in numerous shops, only to reject them all after discovering a bizarre feature that renders them unwearable.

She said: “All I want is a normal item of clothing that doesn’t have one shoulder cut out or diamante spelling out ‘THAT BITCH’ across the back.

“Instead I find jumpers cropped to show the belly or so oversized they look like I’m drowning in chenille, dresses where they’ve missed out the sides, and blouses covered in fucking flamingos. Why?

“If I wanted words on my clothes I’d Tippex them on myself, when I’m 12. But I don’t. Especially not about being ‘a girl’, hashtags or shitty 90s rock bands I hated the first time around.

“I just want a top that looks nice, has a pocket for my car keys and doesn’t have a pattern of sickly yellow frogspawn. Is that too much to ask?”

She added: “I managed to find one that looks decent. Oh, it appears to have buckles over the nipples. How normal.”

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How to rescue an older relative from the Brexit Party cult

HAVE your parents or grandparents become brainwashed followers of Nigel Farage? Cult deprogrammer Norman Steele explains how to stage an intervention.

Study cults

All cults begin as strangers unifying against injustice, and all cults end with fanatical worship of a charismatic leader. If your sixty-something parents both wish to marry Nigel Farage, now is the time to act.

Gather evidence

Cults demand their members give over all their money and worldly possessions, so check their bank statements for payments of £25 to join the Brexit Party. Other signs include subscriptions to publications like Albion: Economic Lion Unchained and bulk-buying golliwogs.

Kidnap them 

The most effective interventions involve isolating members from the cult. Lure older relatives into a shed or garage by saying you’ve got some old Midsomer Murders DVDs you’re getting rid of, then lock the door. Ideally done before the European elections.

Begin deprogramming

Expect strong resistance. Many older relatives will be so brainwashed by the Daily Express it will be hard to convince them that Liverpool, St Ives and Chester are not under Sharia law.

Show them love

Remind your older relatives there is a normal world outside Farage worship, and that if they didn’t know about the EU they’d find it hard to care about. Soon they’ll shift to just whining on endlessly about car insurance, wheelie bins and wasps.