Monday, 6th July 2020

Google search confirms man has bubonic plague

A MAN with a slight cough has Googled his symptoms and convinced himself he is suffering from bubonic plague. 

Julian Cook is not sure where he managed to contract the disease, which killed 50 million people in the 14th century, but believes his internet searches prove it beyond doubt.

He said: “Suzy on reception thought it was tonsilitis. Andy reckoned it was a cold. Both wrong. It’s the Black Death.

“I’ve got all the symptoms – fever, chills, feeling extremely weak, no buboes yet, no bleeding yet, no gangrene yet, tired all the time. So-called 'doctors' can fuck off.

“The boss won’t let me go home which isn’t surprising. I’ve always said he was so lacking in empathy he’d have me in right up until I was collected on a cart and thrown into a big pit.”

Colleague Francesca Johnson said: “I did suggest that, not being a medieval peasant co-habiting with rats, plague might be unlikely. Later on I saw him Googling leprosy.”