Outrage as new Highway Code makes it an offence to run down cyclists

MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists. 

The updated code means drivers not only have to treat cyclists as if they are valid users of the road even though they do not pay road tax, but they may actually get points on their licence for ploughing into them at full speed. 

Driver Steve Malley said: “This is woke political correctness gone mad. What next, will I be legally liable for any insects that smash into my windscreen? 

“Cyclists absolutely need paying attention to on the roads. They’re a hazard. So if I should happen to knock four or five of them into a ditch then I’m actually making the roads safer. 

“They’re saying it ‘ensures road users who can do the greatest harm have the greatest responsibility’. I’m driving a £62,000 Mercedes. The harm they could do to that’s incalculable.

“Not only that, they’ve changed the insurance laws so if I scratch my paintwork on one of these irresponsible bastards’ bikes, it’s not automatically their fault. It’s a full-on assault against truth and common sense.” 

Cyclist Jordan Gardner said: “I was quite pleased until I realised the new code also protects pedestrians. Those obstructive f**kers? They should all be mown down.”

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Why I've got more bottle than Simone Biles, by a gammon

By Roy Hobbs

ALL this talk about ‘mental health’ you get today. ‘Ooh, Mr Site Manager, can I take the day off, I’ve got to look after my mental health instead of doing my job.’ What a load of bollocks.

In my day we didn’t have mental health. We had bottle. And if you didn’t have it, like what this Biles girl didn’t, you got the piss taken. Which is only right.

If you bottled it and let down the lads, you got called a poof and had lager poured over your head. That taught you to not bottle it again.

I mean, take this Biles girl. What’s she famous for? Doing cartwheels and fannying around. The stuff most of us grew out of when we were about five years old, know what I mean?

So alright, she’s mugged a load of idiots into giving her money to prance around on a carpet while someone like me, a real hero, has to get up at seven in the morning to drive a van.

And then it’s ‘Ooh, I took a mis-step and I’ve got powder all over my hand, it’s all about racism or something, can I put my tracksuit top back on?’

I tell you what, if that had been me there, I wouldn’t have cried racism or mental health. I’d have taken a run-up and punched that vaulting horse right in the f**king mouth. You want some? I’ll give you some.

That’s real bottle. That’s not waiting till 1941 to join the war. You listening, Biles?