Oxford students replace Queen portrait with Pulp Fiction poster

STUDENTS at Oxford University have replaced a controversial portrait of the Queen with a Pulp Fiction poster from the SU shop, it has been confirmed.

Members of Magdalen College chose the A2 glossy of a smoking Uma Thurman over a print of Gustav Klimt’s The Kiss and the Abbey Road cover after a secret vote.

Student Sophie Rodriguez said: “The Queen is the head of the Ku Klux Klan, that’s undisputed even by Tories, so we needed a change.

“We thought what would really represent us, as students? An Obama Hope poster was considered but he’s a drone war criminal, Munch’s Scream is hideously white, and Bob Marley smoking weed’s cultural appropriation of Rastafarianism.

“So we thought the poster for Tarantino’s enduring classic would make us look really alternative and interesting, and it’s big enough to hide blu tack marks on the walls so we get our deposits back. This place isn’t cheap like Leicester, you know.

“The only dissenting voice was Jaz who wanted a framed poster of Lorraine Kelly ‘because it’s ironic’.”

Students at Cambridge have hit back at their rivals by removing a bas-relief of Churchill and replacing it with a classy black-and-white photo of New York construction workers lunching on a crossbeam.

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The 15 most agonisingly boring moments of parenthood

THERE are so many moments to cherish with kids, and also so many times when you are so very, very bored. Like these: 

Pushing your child on a swing, in which momentum and kinetic force combine to turn seconds into hours

Waiting in their room for them to fall asleep when you’re not allowed to scroll your phone because it keeps them awake

Listening to them talk about Roblox, Minecraft or Fortnite, wondering what part of your stupefied face says ‘Tell me more, my angel’

Walking down the street with a toddler examining every fascinating new paving stone

Doing f**king phonics with the Oxford Reading Tree

Reading their favourite bedtime story that you’ve read so many times you quote it to strangers

The wipe wait, because there’s nothing like hanging around with loo roll in hand ready for a child to finish shitting to remind you of what you’ve become

Washing laundry, the job that never, ever ends

Harvest Festival; the hymns, the poems about autumn leaves, the Bible story by Year 6, then watching every single child in the school walk slowly down a long church aisle to place a tin of beans on a table

Sports Day, where after a while you’ll be so bored you don’t even notice your own child triumph at the egg-and-spoon

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, all the snacks: making food has become so very, very dull

Watching them put their shoes on badly, like dicks, resisting shouting ‘Hurry the f**k up’

Playing an interminable boardgame they’ve drawn and devised that doesn’t have any rules except they win

Preparing pass-the-parcel for their birthday parties, ie wrapping the same parcel 12 bloody times

Waiting for the shitty animated movie they’ve chosen for Movie Night to finish so you can start drinking. F**k it, Elsa won’t know. Start now.