A MAJOR study has confirmed the existence of salivating, murderous clowns lurking under the bed of every child, Britain's parents said last night.
New research suggests the evil circus-performers are easily enraged by tantrums, demands for glasses of water and not allowing mummy and daddy to watch The Wire in peace.
Tom Logan, a parent from Grantham who commissioned the research, said: "Our results confirm that fang-toothed psycho-clowns will tear your arm clean off and then eat it.
"So terrifying are these homicidal knife-weilding maniacs that they now pose an even greater threat to our children than the naughty step."
Logan said the clowns look like Liza Minelli if her head had been covered in glue and then dipped in a bucket full of razorblades and teeth.
He added: "They can become especially alert if there is rhythmic squeaking noise coming from the bedroom of a parent.
"I suggest any child who hears this noise should stay exactly where they are. It should only last about 10 minutes, maybe 15 if daddy's had quite a lot of grown-up juice."
Jack Barnes, a six year-old from Knutsford, said: "I was a very noisy boy until daddy told me the story of Bobo the Slasher who lives under my bed.
"He said that if I refused to eat my tea or if I asked to go pee-pees after bedtime then Bobo would put me in a giant food blender and Supernanny could go fuck herself.
"I'm a good boy now."