Parents confirm they have great respect for 'parenting experts' and don't want them to shut the f**k up

PARENTS who are told by experts how to take care of their children have expressed their gratitude and absolutely do want everyone to shut it.

After years of being warned that every single thing they do will turn their offspring into sociopaths, parents stressed it was not confusing or patronising in any way.

Mother-of two Emma Howard said: “Stay home with them, go to work, breastfeed them forever, make sure they sleep 18 hours a day while learning a second language, eating organic food, doing homework and getting regular exercise. 

“And don’t let them have sugar, TV, screens or knives.

“Thank you so much because I wake up every day thinking ‘how can I make sure my kids turn into dicks’.

“So please do not shut the absolute fuck up.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Research shows that 99 per cent of parents are doing everything wrong. I don’t actually have any children myself, but I did once sit next to a noisy child on a bus.

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'Nutjob' neighbours with Brexit stockpile now seem wise and useful

A COUPLE stockpiling food and medicine for post-Brexit Britain are looking less like paranoid nutjobs and more like useful people to be friends with.

Martin Bishop initially dismissed his next door neighbours as ‘total crackpots’ when they started filling their garden shed with tins of chickpeas, but now views them as people of immense wisdom and foresight.

Bishop said: “Roy and Mary Hobbs are the type of people who cover up the camera on their laptop so the government can’t spy on them, so when they started stockpiling for Brexit I thought it was just an extension of their oddness.

“Having ignored them solidly for the whole time I’ve lived here I’m going to try and ingratiate myself with them before March 29th.

“I’m sure they’re community minded folk who will want to look after me.”

Mary Hobbs said: “We voted for Brexit and we can’t wait until it’s time to get our guns out. That arrogant remainer twat next door will be the first up against the wall.”