PARENTS who are told by experts how to take care of their children have expressed their gratitude and absolutely do want everyone to shut it.
After years of being warned that every single thing they do will turn their offspring into sociopaths, parents stressed it was not confusing or patronising in any way.
Mother-of two Emma Howard said: “Stay home with them, go to work, breastfeed them forever, make sure they sleep 18 hours a day while learning a second language, eating organic food, doing homework and getting regular exercise.
“And don’t let them have sugar, TV, screens or knives.
“Thank you so much because I wake up every day thinking ‘how can I make sure my kids turn into dicks’.
“So please do not shut the absolute fuck up.”
Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Research shows that 99 per cent of parents are doing everything wrong. I don’t actually have any children myself, but I did once sit next to a noisy child on a bus.”