Parents convinced teachers must have superpowers to cope with this shit

AFTER one week of attempting to teach their children at home parents now believe teachers must be superhuman.

Mothers and fathers across the UK are in awe of people who take care of around 30 children every single day without swearing constantly.

Mum-of-three Emma Bradford said: “I love my kids but I had no idea they were so annoying. Are teachers secretly from another planet where they have great powers of calmness?

“I can’t do phonics without being interrupted every few seconds with unrelated questions like ‘What’s my chin for?’ or ‘Can we go to the park?’.

“And I had no idea it was even possible to lose your pencil, rubber or ruler 600 times while sitting at a desk.

“I just find it very strange that teachers aren’t losing their shit every five minutes, so they must be using some kind of supernatural power to get kids to sit down and shut up.

“At this point, I would not be surprised to find that teachers are all great sorcerers.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Brexiter's guide to homeschooling

CORONAVIRUS is a great opportunity to stop your kids being force-fed leftie propaganda at school. Here fanatical Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains how to homeschool.

First of all: Discipline

Learning can’t take place without discipline. Terrify your kids with a large, traditional cane – they’ll thank you for it later – and explain the benefits of hanging and flogging in general. You are now ready to embark on your magical learning adventure.

History: Britain has never lost a battle

We’ve all heard of famous victories like Waterloo and The Falklands, but did you know we pretended to lose some historical conflicts to make other countries feel less inferior? The Battle of Hastings, the Fall of Singapore, the Suez Crisis – we won them all hands down, but you won’t read that in the Marxist history books.

Religious education: Jesus was British

Jesus was actually from Crewe. People just think he’s from the Middle East because he was the world’s first proper explorer who was out there discovering the Pyramids of Israel. The Bible was already really long at that time so they had to leave a lot of stuff out.

Environmental studies: The right sort

Let’s face it, the environment is fine. Keep this subject to the minimum, say, five minutes a week, emphasising what an idiot Greta Thunberg is and how we’d be stuffed without cars.

Sex education: Nip any transgender nonsense in the bud

It’s obvious to me that transgenderism is just gay people trying to ‘cheat the system’ by getting penises or breasts so they can have sex with men and ladies without shame. Drum this into your children so they turn out normal and well-adjusted.

Brexit studies: About time too!

Not taught in any school, shamefully, but at home Brexit studies can be the bulk of your syllabus. Teach your kids how excellent Brexit will be in every way – there’s no way the coronavirus crisis might be hinting at problems to come.