Parents jubilant after child learns to pour bowl of cereal and turn on TV

A COUPLE are celebrating with prosecco in bed now that their child can fend for himself until midday, they have confirmed. 

Emma Bradford and husband James have confirmed that they will remain in the bedroom until lunchtime before taking six-year-old son Franklin out and buying him a new toy for being such a good boy.

Emma said: “Amazing. The only way I’ll see 6am on Saturday again is when I’ve gone straight through from Friday night.

“I’d resigned myself to playing Lego to the soundtrack of Paw Patrol from dawn for the rest of my life, so we were pretty confused when we woke up and the clock said 10.37am.

“I immediately assumed Frank had been dragged from his bed and eaten by foxes or something, but when I ran downstairs I found him eating a bowl of Rice Krispies in front of Dinosaur Train. It was magical. Like Christmas without the bullshit.

“I crept back upstairs and told James and he wept tears of pure joy. Then we cracked the prosecco and binge-watched Don’t Tell The Bride. It’s been literal heaven.”

She added: “Technically we should take him to a museum or something rather than sticking him in front of a screen for five hours, but we’re in a golden age of television so it’s fine.”

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Ringing landline causes utter panic

AN entire household was thrown into blind panic when their landline rang during an episode of Eastenders.

The Howard family, from Stevenage, immediately took cover under the dining room table after the loud, bell-like sound sent them into a state of shock.

Mr Howard explained: “It was horrible.  Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Over and over again.

“My wife totally freaked out and started yelling at me, ‘who is it?’ and ‘who on earth ringing at this time?’  The kids starting screaming and tried to climb out the window.

“We desperately tried to figure out who the hell it could be – but the truth is, we had no way of knowing.

“By the time we came up with the idea of answering it, it had stopped ringing.

“So fucking weird.”