Parents only have third child in case first two are rubbish

PARENTS only have a third baby in case the first two turn out to be dicks, it has been confirmed.

A recent study has revealed that while the first child is a novelty and the second is a ‘nice idea’, child number three is usually conceived as a back up in case you fuck up the first two.

Pregnant mother of two from Bristol, Emma Howard said; “I expected the first one to be a bit of an arsehole because he was just our practice run.

“But when our second child started showing signs of being an arsehole too, we were a bit shocked.

“We panicked and decided to have one more just in case. Third time lucky.

“If this one turns out to be crap we’ll just keep going until we get the Son of God or Beyonce or something.”

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'Russians hacked my course work,' claims A-Level student

AN A-level student has claimed his coursework has been hacked by Russians and turned into a paltry mess of ill thought out ideas.

Tom Logan handed in the remains of his work after a ‘Kremlin agent’ turned it into the incoherent ramblings of a person who may or may not have been high on skunk since last September.

Logan said: “Putin is undermining the self-esteem of a hard working British student like me. It’s very devious.

“But after what’s he’s done to my English essays I just haven’t got the confidence to fight a war against him.

“I’m not just stirring up cold war style Russian paranoia so we’re all geared up for World War III. Swear down, he’s totally deleted my Geography essay on oxbow lakes.”

Logan added: “Unfortunately my GCSEs were hacked too and I was given obviously fake results.

“Who knows what I would have got, but I’m cool if you want to round me down to three Bs.”