Parking fines replaced by kick in testicles

TRAFFIC wardens in England and Wales are to be given new powers to kick motorists in the groin.

Drivers who park illegally are currently issued with a £60 fine, which can be reduced to £30 if paid within 28 days rather than having their testicles injured.

Under the new scheme, motorists will be taken to one side and booted right between the legs. If they argue back they will receive a second, much harder blow. Women will be punched in the breasts.

A spokesman for the Local Government Association said: “Monetary penalties are obviously not working. We must therefore kick balls.

“If that doesn’t work we will fine people and kick them in the balls. And if that doesn’t work we will fine them and have them kicked in the balls by a gang.”

Christopher Wilson, a traffic warden from Preston, said: “The other day, some guy called me a ‘fuck-faced jobsworth bastard piece of shit’ because I booked him for deliberately leaving his car in the space beyond the time for which he had paid.

“If only I could have booted him in the balls as hard as I could then he might have realised he was obviously wrong and we could all have moved on with our lives.”

The LGA will monitor the new system and may extend it other offences, with litter bugs having their nipples yanked or being bitten on the penis by a Jack Russell.


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I got a Valentines card from fat Geoff in accounts again. Call me shallow, but I can’t get past the thought of what his enormous, wobbling gut must look like naked. How do I find out his yearly salary so I can decide if being crushed by a sweaty walrus is worth it?

Dear Sophie,
Don’t be too hasty to discount this person. Fat people might look gross, but if they invite you over to their house for tea you’d be a fool not to accept. Think about it: the reason they got to be the size they are is probably because their mummy lets them have chips for tea anytime they like, and they get all their shopping in Iceland so there’s never any of that vegetable nonsense to deal with. Best of all, you’re guaranteed to get something sticky and chocolatey for pudding, and loads and loads of cola. It makes you very jealous that your own mum isn’t as kind and loving as the obese mum, who lets her kids eat as many treats as they like and never makes them stay at the table until they’ve finished ‘all the peas’ or go on a boring after dinner walk when they’d much rather eat biscuits and watch TV. Come to think of it, they should let fat mothers run parenting classes and then we’d all get to eat an entire 75 piece dessert platter once in a while.
Hope that helps!