Passport backlog blamed on everyone having different names

THE UK Passport Office has insisted there would be no backlog in applications if everyone could just have the same name.

Some people have been waiting months for a new passport, but officials say they have only themselves to blame.

A government spokesman said: “The trend for individual names – rather than just a number which is what all governments really want you to have –  makes passport manufacture unnecessarily labour-intensive.

“Also we have to draw a vast number of birds and landmarks on each passport. It is absolutely essential to have the kingfisher, red grouse, merlin, curlew and avocet.

“Just like it’s essential to have a drawing of the Giant’s Causeway and Ben Nevis, even though most people in Britain think they are types of biscuit.”

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Female scientists quit

ALL women working in science have jacked it in to become bishops.

Responding to news that she could become a cult leader, microbiologist Mary Fisher said: “I’m so out of here.

“Learning about things that actually exist is ok I suppose, but it’s always been a second-best to wearing a big hat and banging on about a wrathful imaginary being.

“I’m just happy that I can finally reject rational thought and embrace an archaic ghost-based belief system that has rejected me for centuries.”

Astronomer Nikki Hollis said: “Like all intelligent people, I really wanted to be a bishop. But I was thwarted by my evil vagina.

“I’m so excited about this career change, studying the natural laws of the universe is dull because you are limited by reality and discouraged from behaving like a nutcase.

“Bring on the supernatural!”