PE teacher pretending to have read and understood Jane Eyre

SCHOOL staff shortages forced a PE teacher to pretend he’s read Jane Eyre, it has emerged.

31-year-old PE teacher Wayne Hayes, whose only interest in life is rugby, was strong-armed into teaching an English GCSE class purely because no other human was available.

Hayes said: “So… Jane Eyre everyone. I would describe it as a classic.

“What do we reckon? It’s good stuff, isn’t it? Any thoughts? At all?”

As it emerged that none of the students had bothered to read the book, Hayes quickly consulted the back cover to discover that Jane Eyre is an orphan who falls in love with someone called Mr Rochester.

Hayes said: “I’d like everyone to imagine being an orphan. I bet it’s pretty bad.

“For anyone who doesn’t know, being an orphan is when you’ve only got one parent.

“Let’s write 500 words on that, and if that takes less than an hour just write some more words.”

Wayne Hayes later admitted that the only book he’s ever voluntarily read is a biography of England rugby coach Clive Woodward, titled Clive Woodward: The Biography.

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Drink-Uber limit lowered

THE legal blood-alcohol level for Uber users has been lowered after serious damage to passenger ratings.

Previously set at 38 units or around fourteen pints and a chaser, the limit has been lowered to five pints after Uber users woke to find their rating had been reduced to two stars by a single disastrous journey.

Tom Logan of Hampstead said: “I remember getting in the car, finding the seatbelt thing then slapping myself in the face with it because it seemed funny. I opened a bag of Quavers but it split and they fucked out all over the floor.

“I was on my knees trying to pick them up while explaining, unprompted, the plot of my favourite Japanese horror movie.

“When I booked an Uber the next day, nothing. For eight hours I was stranded at the kerb, a victim of my own drunken recklessness.

“I now go around schools, warning them not to be like me.”

Uber driver Norman Steele said: “I drive you, but also I judge you and decide whether you have the freedom of the city.

“Stay upright, say please and thank you, don’t try to open the door with your forehead. These are all achievable things.”