THE Conservative party is founded on lonely nights at school discos, it has emerged.
Fans of the ‘Never Kissed a Tory’ movement have been warned that they may be bolstering the party’s ranks by depriving social misfits of affection.
Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Conservatives of both sexes, emerging from school discos unkissed, take revenge on their peers by increasing tuition fees, banning drugs and ensuring they can never afford to move out of their parents’ houses.
“Tories go through adolescence watching other boys and girls kiss those they fancy, becoming increasingly bitter and power-obsessed.
“Kissing a Tory will never be pleasant, but it is often the only way to change them. The more kisses a person receives, the more left-wing they become.
“Hence, on one end of the scale, we have Jeremy Corbyn, ‘The Commie Casanova’. And on the other end, Eric Pickles.”
Schoolmates of Iain Duncan Smith recall seeing him on the sidelines at his public school’s disco, sipping his Tizer and slyly writing names in a notebook while the other boys danced and snogged to Cliff Richard.
Iain Duncan Smith said: “My wife and I not believe in kissing, because it is unhygienic. I sometimes permit her to kiss a specially prepared area of my neck that I outline in Biro.”