Friday, 6th December 2019

Pedants literally give up over misuse of 'literally'

BRITAIN’S pedants have conceded defeat over persistent misuse of the word ‘literally’.

After years of pointing out that the word means ‘in a literal manner’ and not ‘like, really, really’, pedants across the UK say they have “thrown in the towel, literally”.

Head of the National Pedants’ Association Norman Steele said: “I need hardly point out that when I say we’ve literally thrown in the towel, there was no throwing and no towel involved. 

“We’re just getting into the spirit of linguistic slovenliness that we’re currently drowning in, or, strictly speaking, ‘in which we’re drowning’. Oh who gives a sh*t? We’ve lost.”

Steele has completely given up on his personal struggle against poor English, no longer rubbing out misplaced apostrophes on chalk boards outside pubs, and has adopted current dismal standards instead.

He said: “I should of done this years ago, lol. Hey it feelz goood not being a looser who cares about using words properly, feel me? I still draw the line at emoticons though.”

Member of the public Francesca Johnson said: “These grammar pedants think they’re so superior to ordinary folk. They’re literally sh*tting on us from a great height.”