Pedants literally give up over misuse of 'literally'

BRITAIN’S pedants have conceded defeat over the persistent misuse of the word ‘literally’.

After years of pointing out that the word means ‘in a literal manner’ and not ‘like, really, really’, pedants across the UK say they have ‘thrown in the towel, literally’.

Head of the National Pedants’ Association Norman Steele said: “I need hardly point out that when I say we’ve literally thrown in the towel, there was no throwing and no towel involved. 

“We’re just getting into the spirit of linguistic slovenliness that we’re currently drowning in, or, strictly speaking, ‘in which we’re drowning’. Oh who gives a shit? We’ve lost.”

Steele has completely given up on his personal struggle against poor English, no longer rubbing out misplaced apostrophes on chalk boards outside pubs, and has adopted current dismal standards instead.

He said: “I should of done this years ago, lol. Hey it feelz goood not being a looser who cares about using words properly, feel me? I still draw the line at emoticons though.”

Member of the public Francesca Johnson said: “These grammar pedants think they’re so superior to ordinary folk. They’re literally shitting on us from a great height.”

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Six incredibly bad film remake ideas

WITH an unnecessary remake of The Lion King in cinemas, how far can the film industry take this creatively bankrupt trend? Here are some ideas.

Get Carter the Cat

Get Carter has such great brand recognition it’s perfect to be turned into a U-rated film with animated animals. Everything about the original will be ruined, from icy gangster Jack Carter now being a cat voiced by James Corden, to the reworking of classic lines, eg. “You’re a big penguin, but you’re in bad shape.”

Avengers: Endgame 

Audiences enjoyed Avengers: Endgame earlier in 2019, so why won’t they enjoy it again four months later? The remake would be largely identical to the original, but with Iron Man given a different colour suit to boost toy sales among children and tragic adult nerds.

Withnail and I

This hilarious, moving and unique film brilliantly captures the death of the 1960s in a way that cannot be improved on. So let’s f*ck it up. Now set in 2019, Withnail will be played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge as a scatty thespian who coughs hilariously on joints while opining about anal sex. New ‘feelgood’ ending shows Withnail winning an Oscar.

On the Buses 

The rights to this unfunny, sub-Carry On 1970s sh*te can probably be picked up for a song, which is reason enough for a remake. With a minimal budget, it will still be possible to turn a profit on Stan (James Corden again) and Jack (Lee Mack) perving over ‘smashing dollybirds’. 

Toy Story (live action)

The Lion King proves that switching from animation to (sort of) live action is worth a punt, so the remake will feature 63-year-old Tom Hanks as Woody and 66-year-old Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear. And a lot of stunt doubles.

The Empire Strikes Back

Total no-brainer. Audiences will still flock to see a remake of the best of all the Star Wars movies, even if it’s full of utter cack like Boba Fett tearfully explaining he just wants to be loved.