Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

A GIRL who felt perfectly well all day long has suddenly developed 6,000 mystery illnesses at bedtime.

Six-year-old Alice Bradford’s symptoms include a hurty toe, a scratch on her knee from a fall she had two years ago, something that is clearly not toothache and an invisible spot.

Mother Emma Bradford said: “She’s been running around the park all day and seemed fine, but as soon as her head hit the pillow the mysterious ailments started.

“Since I put her to bed three hours ago she’s told me she has a tummy ache, a cough and ‘hot feet’, whatever that is. Oh and diabetes and the plague. She must have got those off the telly.

“I’d take her to A&E but we’d need every specialist in the country to treat all these illnesses. Also she tends to make a miraculous recovery by the morning while I am bl**dy shattered.”

Bradford is now considering launching a Just Giving page to fund research into the little-understood condition, which can only be treated by staying up with an iPad or watching TV.

New football season make everything better for man

ALL bad stuff in world gone away now football back, say man.

Wayne Hayes, 38, not like summer. Too hot. Too wet. Just tennis and cricket. Children on holiday and all the news bad.

But now football back, with commentator voices him know from last season. It all good now and him not think about Boris Johnson and Trump because Liverpool and Man United on television in pub.

Hayes said: “Me hate long period between end of Women’s World Cup and Charity Shield. Me have to think of world. Global warming. Brexit. It make Wayne scared.

“But now football here and everything good. It like Wayne when him 10 years old watching Match of the Day. Jimmy Hill, hot water bottle, Mummy and Daddy and cocoa.

“Me not think about boring job in big office either. Marketing strategy meeting on Tuesday last thing on mind now football on.

“Only problem bloody VAR. It have tedious delays and kill flow of game. Wayne hate VAR.

“Still, me like football, me glad it back.”