Pensions simplified into single Cup-a-Soup voucher

IAIN Duncan Smith is to simplify Britain’s complex state pension system into an easy to understand voucher for powdered soup.

The welfare secretary said too many people were left confused by a needlessly bureaucratic system when all they really wanted was something hot.

He said: “Anyone who thinks the value of the voucher will be linked to inflation obviously has not read my book I Warn You Not to Get Old: The One Thing Neil Kinnock Was Right About.”

Mr Duncan Smith said he wanted to encourage personal responsibility by promoting private pension plans based on things like soy bean futures and the next sub-prime mortgage bubble.

He added: “For many, old age is a depressingly predictable decline into Daily Mail columnists and racist pottering.

“Under this new scheme I thought of 10 minutes ago, it’s now going to be a wild financial rollercoaster ride, but one that involves thousands of penniless octogenarians living in skips.”

Meanwhile £400m a year will be saved by replacing assessment officers with an 0845 number that offers callers a choice of messages including ‘go fuck yourself’, ‘he no here’ and the sound of Mr Duncan Smith giggling with a friend.

The welfare secretary also hopes to sell the idea of pension saving to youngsters with the cartoon character Chuckles the Financially Prudent Squirrel whose exotic portfolio of unit trusts is way cooler than some gold-plated final salary scheme with bad trainers.

But teenage hairdresser Nikki Hollis said: “If it’s all the same to whoever that scary bald man is, I’ll stick with my current plan of pissing my money away every weekend on WKD and shoes and squeezing out a bunch of call centre monkeys to mooch off when I retire.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I hate doing Pisces. It always has to be about you, doesn’t it? But what about me, eh? WHAT ABOUT ME?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You make a cost saving this week by giving up trying to keep a second-hand car on the road and instead taking some crack whores to a casino.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Sorry, there’s a huge, empty hole where I would normally expect to find Saturn. Can you come back in 20 minutes?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your outer shell of arch cynicism, pop culture references and sneering
contempt hides a frightened, lonely soul that just wants to be loved.
And inside that, there’s a complete fucking bellend.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Tommy used to work on the docks. Union’s been on strike, he’s down on his luck. It’s tough, so tough. Especially as, given that he’s a scouser, he won’t stop fucking whining about it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sorry about this, but I seem to have crashed your car, set fire to your house and impregnated your wife after what she described as easily the best sex she’s ever had. Do you want to talk about it?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’d always thought that the greatest joy in life is being surrounded
by loving family and friends. Until that magical day you tried crack.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week look for something brilliant to remake badly for an audience of cretins.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dressing as a goblin king and surrounding yourself with fantastical Jim Henson creations may divert people from asking why you’ve constructed an enormous labyrinth in order to get into the pants of a 14-year-old girl.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not start a discussion about whether or not to set up a
no-fly zone. I’m sure the psychopath will be more than happy to stop
killing people while you make up your mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A bad week as you’re unfortunately reminded of the existence of the pop group Bis and you’re later arrested for setting fire to an art college.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jesus, it fucking stinks in this place. Has Jupiter been here? Open a window before I gip.