People being scared of your dog not the same as them respecting you

OWNING a large muscular dog does not make you a well-respected community figure, it has been confirmed.

25-year-old Tom Logan has a big-mouthed dog with a hostile gleam in its eye: “The respect I get from people when I’m out with Freddy Krueger, as I call my beloved pet, is amazing.

“People cross the road to avoid me, which is exactly what they’d do if a sporting hero or legendary civil rights leader came to our neighbourhood.”

However local resident Mary Fisher said: “Everyone used to think Tom was a knobhead. Then he got a massive dog. Now he’s a knobhead with a massive dog.

“It’s not like he’s a fearless World War II bomber pilot or something.

“If anything I respect him less because that dog does turds like Cumberland sausages and he doesn’t pick them up.”

She added: “Maybe if he got a big horse and learned to ride it really well, people would respect that.”

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Manchester police hunt Northern Irish con artist

POLICE in Manchester have warned football managers to be vigilant following a daring swindle yesterday. 

The swindler, going by the name of ‘Brenda’ and described as short, in his early 40s and almost supernaturally self-confident is thought to have swindled an elderly Chilean in Manchester. 

A police spokesman said: “The victim was told he was buying £49m worth of quality goods but on closer inspection it appeared to be a Shaun Wright-Phillips knock-off with no guarantee.

“It’s particularly distressing that this was a vulnerable older gent who just two years ago was cheated out of £25m for a worthless Jovetic. 

“There seems to be a rash of these crimes at the moment – down the road at Old Trafford a Dutch pensioner asked us for advice on buying what appears to be German goods five years past its sell-by date.”

The motive for Sunday’s robbery is thought to be malicious as well as financial, with the main suspect previously involved in a Balotelli deal that went badly wrong. The police have warned the public not to approach him as he’s believed to be carrying a Lovren.

Other managers have been advised to mark their players with a UV pen and photograph them wearing the club shirt, to prevent them falling into the hands of Aidy Ward.

Logan said: “Sunday’s victim is trying to make the best of things but all too often such goods are sold off two years later for a massive loss. Usually to Harry Redknapp.”