People being scared of your dog not the same as them respecting you

OWNING a large muscular dog does not make you a well-respected community figure, it has been confirmed.

25-year-old Tom Logan has a big-mouthed dog with a hostile gleam in its eye: “The respect I get from people when I’m out with Freddy Krueger, as I call my beloved pet, is amazing.

“People cross the road to avoid me, which is exactly what they’d do if a sporting hero or legendary civil rights leader came to our neighbourhood.”

However local resident Mary Fisher said: “Everyone used to think Tom was a knobhead. Then he got a massive dog. Now he’s a knobhead with a massive dog.

“It’s not like he’s a fearless World War II bomber pilot or something.

“If anything I respect him less because that dog does turds like Cumberland sausages and he doesn’t pick them up.”

She added: “Maybe if he got a big horse and learned to ride it really well, people would respect that.”

Manchester police hunt Northern Irish con artist

POLICE in Manchester have warned football managers to be vigilant following a daring swindle yesterday. 

The swindler, going by the name of ‘Brenda’ and described as short, in his early 40s and almost supernaturally self-confident is thought to have swindled an elderly Chilean in Manchester. 

A police spokesman said: “The victim was told he was buying £49m worth of quality goods but on closer inspection it appeared to be a Shaun Wright-Phillips knock-off with no guarantee.

“It’s particularly distressing that this was a vulnerable older gent who just two years ago was cheated out of £25m for a worthless Jovetic. 

“There seems to be a rash of these crimes at the moment – down the road at Old Trafford a Dutch pensioner asked us for advice on buying what appears to be German goods five years past its sell-by date.”

The motive for Sunday’s robbery is thought to be malicious as well as financial, with the main suspect previously involved in a Balotelli deal that went badly wrong. The police have warned the public not to approach him as he’s believed to be carrying a Lovren.

Other managers have been advised to mark their players with a UV pen and photograph them wearing the club shirt, to prevent them falling into the hands of Aidy Ward.

Logan said: “Sunday’s victim is trying to make the best of things but all too often such goods are sold off two years later for a massive loss. Usually to Harry Redknapp.”