People born in 80s to spend retirement fleeing from euthanasia robots

PEOPLE now in their 30s will spend their retirement fleeing from government robots programmed to kill old people.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “An ageing population means that Britons can no longer expect to spend their retirement playing golf, going to Florida and obsessing about the parking space outside their house.

“By the 2030s the government will have an army of ‘reaperbots’ programmed to hunt and kill the billions of older people who have outlived their economic usefulness.

“The robots will be able to smell your DNA and have hypodermics for fingers. Also they will be strong enough to punch holes in walls in their pursuit of you.

“On the plus side, in the future there will be massive tellies and strawberry flavoured crisps.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Peter Hitchens urged to try teensy bit of meth

PETER Hitchens, the anti-drugs journalist, has been urged to try the teensiest bit of methamphetamine to prove his theory that addiction does not exist.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I would start him off with just a soupçon. Most people find that’s enough to completely ruin their lives.

“At that point, if he is correct, he will simply choose not to turn his life into a raging sea of shit.

“Then we can all move on to the next thing on the list of Peter’s unhealthy obsessions. He does seem to talk about gay marriage an awful lot.

“It’s as if he doesn’t have any willpower.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Like climate sceptics, Peter’s politics degree makes him an expert at all kinds of science.

“I was having lunch with him once and he started coughing terribly. I told him to get it checked out and he nodded and then phoned James Delingpole. They both agreed that Peter’s cough was a Marxist conspiracy.

“I told him he should really see a doctor but he said that James has a degree in English literature and was therefore more than qualified to diagnose left-wing pulmonary infections.”