People who don’t care about houses ‘a threat to society’

GIVING up on owning property could lead to dangerous behaviour like reading books or being interested in world events, it has been claimed.

Property experts have warned of a dangerous new breed of human that wants to discuss things other than the purchase and decoration of homes.

Estate agent Martin Bishop said: “Imagine being at a dinner party where nobody owns a house.

“You try to start a conversation about the price of a three bed in a neighbouring postcode, or how you’ve been knocking through walls to create a spacious feeling, but you’re met with dead-eyed stares.

“They want to talk about films, war things happening abroad, animals – a bewildering and scary array of topics that will make you feel thick.

“In the doomsday scenario there are so many renters they become ‘normal’ rather than subhuman and start to look down on homeowners in a creepy, vaguely communist way.

“And what begins with a vague feeling of superiority can only end in murder.”

Renter Emma Bradford said: “When owning a house becomes an impossibility, at first it’s depressing but then your mind turns to things other than mortgages and floor plans.

“It’s like taking a massive dose of some powerful hallucinogen and seeing everything incredibly vividly.

“You realise universal truths, like what materialistic shits your friends have become.”

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New bullshit mum type unveiled

A WRITER has invented ‘the chillaxed mega-mum’.

The concept is a cynical marketing ploy to enable talentless former journalist Donna Sheridan to start a TV career.

Sheridan said: “The chillaxed mega-mum is the sort of modern mum who’s juggling work and family but is totally laid-back about it thanks to the tips outlined in my book, CMM: How to Be a Chillaxed Mega-mum.

“She’s climbing the corporate ladder and has a fantastic sex life, but still organises sumptuous Treasure Island-themed kids’ birthday parties while also training for a pilot’s licence and somehow exuding a super-chilled vibe.

“I expect there is a touch of boho to her too, but less so than ‘boho street performer spiritual-but-fun mum’ which is very last year.”

The chillaxed mega-mum is the third bullshit mum type invented since January, following ‘yoga boss affair-having IT power mum’ and ‘time travelling insect expert mum’.

Sheridan, who was on the dole last week, added: “She’s a 21st century phenoma-woman, which is the sort of thing I’ll be saying if I get invited on This Morning, where, if I play my cards right, I will be appearing regularly.”

Actual mum Nikki Hollis said: “I’m a tired slightly overweight mum, I can do a book if you want.

“My top tip is to always eat one biscuit too many.”