Cameron caught on tape calling lamb a bigot

DAVID Cameron has apologised after being caught on tape describing a lamb he had just fed as ‘bigoted’.

The prime minister was filmed with the infant sheep on Sunday as part of an Easter election drive.

However, his broadcast microphone was accidentally left on as he exited the stable and got into his car.

Cameron can be heard telling his aide: “That was a disaster. They should never have put me with that lamb. Whose idea was that?”

When asked what had gone wrong, Cameron replies: “Everything. It was just some bigoted lamb.

“It told me it used to be Tory, but it might vote UKIP as it’s heard a rumour that New Zealand lambs are coming to Britain to eat all the grass.”

He added: “It’ll look cute in the photos, but it’s actually a stupid fucking prick.”

After the recording was played back to him during a live radio interview, the Tory leader said: “I’m sorry if I’ve said anything that has been hurtful. It was shameful and wrong to pass judgement on a lamb I had only just met.”

The lamb added: “I got a lovely message from him saying he’s looking forward to seeing me again this time next year.”

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Churches welcome fair-weather bastards through gritted teeth

CHURCHES are offering a lukewarm Easter welcome for fickle Christians who turn up twice a year.

Pews are expected to be full on Easter Sunday with clergy and regular worshippers gritting their teeth and trying not to tell the fair-weather Christians they are going to hell.

Church regular Stephen Malley said: “Suddenly every bugger wants a piece of Jesus. The real fans show up on a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke for a meaningless four-hour celebration of St Blaise’s Day.

“These glory-hunting arseholes have ruined Easter. I prefer Pentecost anyway, it’s less commercial.”

Reverend Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I’m tempted to go off-piste and hit them with a surprise Eucharistic prayer or ask ‘who Esau begat’. That’ll show the fuckers.

“At the end of the service I’ll say something like, ‘See you all for the Assumption of Mary’, as if these tosspots even know what that is.

“Though obviously we are all equal in the sight of God, which really pisses me off.”