A WAITROSE within a mile of your home improves your wisdom, altruism and lovemaking by 12 per cent.
Researchers found that residents within walking distance of the store gave more to charity, were charming dinner guests and very good at playing at least two musical instruments.
Dr Helen Archer said: “Every decision a Waitrose shopper makes is unfailingly correct. It’s like the teaching of the Buddha, but cosier and less foreign.”
Waitrose shopper Joseph Turner said: “Paying more for groceries is an act of self-improvement. I don’t want to be better than you, but I just am.”
The researchers also found that people who live near an Aldi have psychic powers which are often, but not always, used for evil.
Meanwhile, people who live near an Asda have an extra finger and are regularly attacked by birds.