People with National Trust car stickers mostly drug dealers

OVER 90 per cent of National Trust car sticker owners are career criminals, it has emerged.

Drug dealers confirmed that having the preservation society’s logo in your rear windscreen is the best way to convince police you are a harmless, sexless, nature lover.

Successful cocaine dealer Tom Logan said: “It’s like an invisibility cloak. I’ve got a white 7 Series BMW and frequently drive around Manchester at 4am, but I never get pulled because of the good old conker leaf.

“Or oak leaf, acorn leaf, I don’t know what it is to be honest.”

Heroin merchant Stephen Malley said: “That little sticker is the best £2.49 I’ve ever spent.

“I had one of the ‘God-botherer fish’ stickers before, but it was just too obvious.

“In fairness I think the National Trust do excellent work and I would take out membership if I didn’t have to spend most weekends in warehouse basements repeatedly punching people tied to chairs.”

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Doctors 'not secretly planning to murder patients'

DOCTORS will not use voluntary euthanasia laws to do lots of murders, they have confirmed.

GP Tom Logan said: “I became a doctor because helping people is nice and you can buy a fucking massive house.

“If I wanted to kill disabled people I’d have got a job with Atos.

“Also I only get seven minutes per patient, so by the time I’d strapped them down and started getting the poison ready it’d be time for the next patient, so I’d have to ask them to come back next week to finish being killed.

“I suppose I could get my receptionist Yvonne to bash their skulls in with a club. She’d probably quite like that.”

However newspaper columnists remain adamant that any relaxation of the euthanasia laws would have horrific consequences that are more interesting to read about than positive consequences.