Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Pigeons working-class, RSPB admits

THE Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has admitted that pigeons are a rough bunch of bastards who bring the other birds down. 

The charity, which enjoys a largely affluent membership who like going out to see nuthatches, chaffinches and spotted flycatchers at weekend, has confessed that pigeons are ruining it for everyone.

Spokesman and twitcher Denys Finch Hatton said:  “We’ve held an unofficial ranking of birds based on their perceived economic and social status for decades, and pigeons are right at the bottom.

“Peacocks are obviously upper-class, strolling around manors disdainfully. Most of your common garden birds are middle-class and like a big garden and a hanging basket. Magpies are lower-middle, but aspiring.

“When it comes to seagulls, it really comes down to whether they’re from Grimsby or Salcombe. But pigeons are the long-term benefit claimants of the bird world. Absolute scum.”

Pigeon James Baker agreed: “Yeah, we hang around concrete regional shopping centres, lower-league football grounds and flat-roof pubs. Plus we all voted Brexit.

“Though my cousin Pete’s always pecking at discarded sourdough out front of an organic bakery in Islington. Thinks he’s better than us.”