Plumber sick of everyone coming to him with bloody plumbing problems

A PLUMBER who works seven days a week to keep up with demand wishes people would stop pestering him with jobs they want doing.

Tom Logan, who hasn’t had a holiday in six years, is fed up of being called out by grown men to carry out tasks they could do themselves with two twists of a spanner if they were not such needy, clueless idiots.

Logan said: “Granted, the money’s great but it’s just piling up unspent because five minutes can’t pass without someone on the blower whining about how their toilet’s bust and could I come out straight away?

“The geezer in question said his toilet wasn’t flushing. Turns out he wasn’t pushing hard enough on the button. And he’s a body builder. Cost him £100.

“I’ve been thinking of downgrading my rating from five stars to two with fake reviews just for some peace. I never see the wife and kids because I don’t have a wife and kids. Never had time.

“I’m thinking of retraining as an avant-garde poet. No bloody 24-hour call out for them, I’ll f**king bet.”

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It feels wrong to masturbate at a time like this, but we must

An opinion piece by columnist Martin Bishop

THE UK is in lockdown. A deadly new strain of Covid is loose. Democracy is under attack in the US. But while it seems this is no time to masturbate, we must. 

It may feel inappropriate, at a time when the world is in flames, to manually stimulate ourselves to orgasm. Many will say ‘this is not the right time’. They have a point. Nevertheless, we have no choice.

Whether single, couples or families, we will be in our homes for months. And there is no argument that we will lack both stimulation and opportunity. Yet can we get through this without self-abuse?

Will we still be the same people when we emerge into whatever world is left? Will our core values as a society remain? Without wanking, will we truly be ourselves?

I believe not. I believe that to keep healthy, both mentally and physically, through this long, hard winter we must continue strumming ourselves off until things improve.

No matter how bad things get, it is our duty as a nation to keep pulling the pud, feeding the cat or, as our own prime minister put it, bugling the scientific cavalry until they breast the hill.

It’s never been easier. We are not peasants with worn bawdy woodcuts. The highest-quality pornography is piped into our very homes. We owe it to those who came before us.

So, however unseemly it may feel, wank. Wank like there is no tomorrow. And together we will get through this and never speak of it again.