OFFICIALS will enforce ‘pinch, punch, first of the month’ tomorrow, it has been confirmed.Blows may be administered to arm or face
The date-based mild assault was made law in an 1835 act that also confirmed a person smelling it must prove in a court of law that they had not in fact dealt it.
However the rule fell into disuse after Queen Victoria was spontaneously pinch-punched in bed by Prince Albert, prompting the famous phrase We are not amused by an ill-timed dead arm.
Ministers have now bowed to pressure from sadistic pedants, introducing on-the-spot fines and dedicated pinch-punch distributors.
Pinching co-ordinator Roy Hobbs said: It’s a zero-hours contract due to the nature of the work but at least it gets me out of the house, meeting people then pinching them as hard as I can before running off.
The job centre said it’d look good on my CV.
Workers may opt out of public pinch-punching by completing a self-assessment form stating that they have been punched at home and supplying a photograph of fresh bruising.
Hobbs said: Hold out your arm. Feel that? That’s practice, that. I’ll see you tomorrow.