THE Conservatives are to reach out to Britain’s everyday bastard-in-the-street.
The party said it was no longer simply about serving the privately educated castle-owning bastard elite but also looking out for the ordinary working bastard.
A spokesman said: “Everywhere you go in Britain, you encounter bastards. Petty sadists, fuelled by envy and resentment, who despise the poor, the sick and the needy.
“Big bastards, little bastards, thin bastards and fat bastards. A wonderful nation of bastards.
“Bastards who would like to see the workhouse brought back, as long as the gruel wasn’t too tasty.
“Our message to bastards is – we hear you, and we are working on it. You are the future.”
The party unveiled an array of bastard-friendly policies including a ban on being disabled, the death penalty for anyone turning a car in anyone else’s drive and the right to push people over in the street if you are in a hurry.
Donna Sheridan, a 64-year-old lady bastard, said: “I do like that Iain Duncan Smith. His tiny black eyes appeal to me.”