Tories target ordinary working bastards

THE Conservatives are to reach out to Britain’s everyday bastard-in-the-street.

The party said it was no longer simply about serving the privately educated castle-owning bastard elite but also looking out for the ordinary working bastard.

A spokesman said: “Everywhere you go in Britain, you encounter bastards. Petty sadists, fuelled by envy and resentment, who despise the poor, the sick and the needy.

“Big bastards, little bastards, thin bastards and fat bastards. A wonderful nation of bastards.

“Bastards who would like to see the workhouse brought back, as long as the gruel wasn’t too tasty.

“Our message to bastards is – we hear you, and we are working on it. You are the future.”

The party unveiled an array of bastard-friendly policies including a ban on being disabled, the death penalty for anyone turning a car in anyone else’s drive and the right to push people over in the street if you are in a hurry.

Donna Sheridan, a 64-year-old lady bastard, said: “I do like that Iain Duncan Smith. His tiny black eyes appeal to me.”

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Britain demands weirder-looking dogs

DOG enthusiasts have called for stranger and more physically dysfunctional breeds.

The rocketing popularity of noseless barrel-chested dogs has fuelled demand for even more distinctively nightmarish pets.

French bulldog owner Emma Bradford said: “As much as I love having a pet that looks like an insect’s head welded onto the body of a monkey, I would prefer something even more fucked up.

“Perhaps a breeder could create a dog with nine eyes on its arse and claws instead of paws. They could call it a crabrador.

“I think it would have a lot of charm and character.”

Stephen Malley owns one of those pedigree dogs with baggy flesh that hangs off its body in loose, scrotum-like folds.

He said: “The shar-pei is an odd enough beast but I really want something that will make people in the park physically sick with terror.

“Perhaps a snake-dog – a pulsing tube of scaly muscle with a cute spaniel head. Please make me one of those.

“I will let it sleep on my bed, and kiss it on the mouth.”