Pink balloon threatens human

A HUMAN has been threatened by a small, bright pink balloon.

The balloon floated along a central London street before stopping next to a human and bobbing up and down for a few seconds.

The human said: “I assumed it would just float past me, but when it stopped and bobbed about next to my face, I thought ‘is this balloon trying to frighten me?’.

“I didn’t really know what to do, but of course it didn’t matter because it’s just a balloon.

“Eventually it will either burst, perhaps surprising a baby or a tiny dog, or it will just gradually deflate to the point where it looks like a scrotum.”

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Weedy boys to team up against school bully

MICHAEL Gove and Rory Stewart are to stop being victims and show that big blonde bully what for, they have confirmed. 

The pair, who hatched the plan by torchlight in a midnight meeting outside the Commons sanitorium last night, believe that the arrogant, entitled head boy deserves a taste of his own medicine.

Stewart said: “He borrowed all my notes about Afghanistan for a meeting and they came back with dicks drawn all over them in red pen. And he calls me ‘Stewpot’.

“Michael’s never forgiven him for some prank on the EU he got roped into the other year which went badly wrong and he ended up taking all the blame. It’s time for revenge.”

The weedy boys, who have nicknamed themselves ‘Team Cobra’, have created a fake Brexit plan which the bully will steal and present as his own before it is exposed as nonsense in front of the whole school.

Gove giggled: “He’ll look like such an idiot up there on the stage with everyone laughing at him, his big stupid face red with shame. He’ll get expelled and everyone will cheer us and carry us around on their shoulders.”

He added: “Unless he just gets away with it like he always does.”