Pink hair people launch their manifesto

PEOPLE with pink hair have issued a document explaining who they are and what they want.

Although not a political party, they felt this was a good time to describe the surprisingly complex pink hair agenda.

58-year-old pink hair person Mary Fisher said: “There is more to dyeing your hair pink than just an overenthusiastic stab at individuality triggered by getting dumped or the menopause.

“Pink hairism is a philosophy dating back to the 12th century, based on a book called the Pinkonomicon that was dictated by unicorns to a middle-aged lady called Ingrid.

“The pink book says that the highest virtue is sassiness, that society must be freed from the shackles of so-called good taste, and that all stationary including envelopes must be pink or at least lilac.”

Pink hair people are predominantly women under 25 or over 55, although men can be inducted if they have read every Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman book.

Mary Fisher said: “Our main thing is we really hate green hair people. In our mythology pink and green unicorns fought to the death over whether green or pink was the most fun colour.

“If we see green hair people and there’s nobody else around, we kill them. Same with blue hair people, they’re bastards too.

“We also want greater recognition for the music of Clannad and Tori Amos, we believe in tarot cards and don’t eat shellfish.”

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Sherwood launches 'mind banter' campaign against Wenger

TIM Sherwood will forego traditional cup final ‘mind games’ in favour of subtly inferring that Arsene Wenger is unable to down a pint.  

The Aston Villa manager revealed he would intimidate his Arsenal counterpart with pre-match pyschological warfare ‘based exclusively around classic bants’.

He said: “At every press conference from now until the FA Cup final, I will be doing my very best to tacitly infer that Arsene is a shit lad.”

Sherwood’s campaign of ‘mind banter’ will be a series of observations about Wenger, including his low alcohol tolerance and his massive, sleeping bag coat.

He added: “Then, in the week leading up to the game, I will post photos on Facebook of him next to Blanche from Coronation Street, with the caption: ‘Separated at birth lol ;-)’.”

Villa striker Christian Benteke said: “Tim has stopped coming to training in order to spend more time photoshopping Mr Wenger’s head into porn pictures.”