Plan ahead by being rich, Johnson tells London travellers

BORIS Johnson has assured Londoners that the capital’s fabulously-wealthy travel infrastructure is doing just fine.

Speaking from the back seat of a £125,000 V12 penis, the ironically-dishevelled most powerful man in London said that the capital’s residents would be able to move around as normal just as long as they pre-planned to be richer than Croesus.

Johnson said: “I understand people’s worries that a public transport system that can’t cope with events like a normal Monday could easily implode with the addition of a million confused, backpack-wearing tourists.

“But just the other day I managed to get from home to my office in under 20 minutes using a chartered helicopter. So solo sky commuting is definitely an option – or why not team up with colleagues for an eco-friendly copter-share scheme?”

The mayor was launching the new ‘Rich Arsehole’ lane of traffic throughout central London, users of which will need to display a badge in their windscreen costing three million pounds per annum and showing a stick man hold two middle digits aloft.

The badge is only issued once the applicant has been interviewed and found to be sufficiently awful, although Sir Alan Sugar, Madonna and George Osborne have been allowed to skip the process.

Johnson said: “We think that, by definition, anyone applying for the permit must have to be a colossally wealthy and arrogant prick to begin with so the scheme should eventually become self-policing.”

Part of the profits raised by the scheme will be invested in the underground system, buying little train window stickers saying ‘Thanks for the cash, drone’ for people to read as their faces are squashed up against the glass.



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Bradley Wiggins tells the French to eat it

BRADLEY Wiggins cruised down the Champs-Elysees to cycling victory, and the people of France just had to stand there feeling powerless.

After becoming the first Englishman to win the Tour de France, Wiggins wasted no time in asking French President Francoise Hollande how he liked those apples.

The cyclist asked the furious Hollande: “Comment aimez-vous ces pommes? Oui, comment aimez-vous ces pommes? Ha ha ha.”

Describing the tour, Wiggins said: “It’s been an amazing journey over the last few weeks, I’ve met so many incredible people and made my family proud, but the best bit of it is that the French can suck my dick.”

Wiggins became obsessed with France as a schoolboy, after reading about the nation in a Tricolour language textbook.

He said: “I immediately loathed their nation, with its stupid penis-shaped loaves, small dogs and inane obsession with repeatedly asking directions to the town hall or the swimming pool.

“I resolved that one day I would destroy them. Soon afterwards I began training at their national sport.”

French President Francois Hollande said: “Je deteste Le Wiggins. Il est merde! Merde!”

Sports historian Tom Logan said: “This is such an important victory both in sporting and xenophobic terms.

“British tourists visiting France may now request ‘a beer’ instead of ‘une beer’ and the French people cannot respond moodily, because now they know for sure who is best.”