Police relying on karma to punish criminals

CRIMINALS do not need to be caught because their bad karma will catch up with them, according to the police.

Officers will no longer be attending burglaries, or indeed any crime, because they believe that misdeeds will inevitably return to haunt the perpetrator either in this life or in future lives.

A police spokesman said: “It’s a new spiritual direction we call ‘cosmic policing’.

“If you get home to find your house has been robbed and your stuff is all smashed up, do not call us. There would be no purpose to that course of action.

“Whoever did the crime will meet some mishap that precisely compensates for their misdeed.

“Perhaps in twenty years’ time they will fall off a kerb and break their leg, or in their next incarnation they will be born with a limp.

“The universe is your policeman, and our police stations should be quiet places of meditation, tea drinking and Netflix watching.”

Householder Mary Fisher said: “When we got burgled I went to the station and the policeman told to me to inhale and exhale deeply, and that when the bell chimed I would no longer be angry.

“Then his colleague nicked me for having slightly out-of-date car tax.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Given that the Fire Brigade puts out fires, surely the PC Brigade would put out political correctness? 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you will convince your work colleague that Uma Thurman was so-called because the vicar stubbed his Thurman at the christening.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re so terrified of Christmas people have started calling you Noel Coward.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Spending all day biddy-biddy-bomming shows a lack of imagination for a rich man. If you were ever a rich man you will pay somebody else to biddy-biddy-bom.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t let the little things bother you this week, although you might want to start calling your kids by their actual names.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Friday night sees a blackout, meaning you’ll have to light some candles. Although given how you usually use candles on a Friday night, you’ll have to dry them out first.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A night out at the theatre at the weekend provides you with a treat, dipping all the wallets in the cloakroom.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Today you will be arrested for conspiracy to pervert the course of justice by painting the road outside your local court with penis art.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You’re not the kind of person to seek revenge, given how rarely you let anyone who has even vaguely slighted you live.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An awkward moment tomorrow as you see your ex while out on a date. Fortunately, your date’s spectacularly misjudged haircut is so striking, the ex doesn’t even notice you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You won’t hear a bad word said against your mother, not until you’ve finished slagging her off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No left turns. Like a 1970s Conservative Club cabaret.