Police truncheon anyone calling for Orgreave inquiry

PEOPLE contemplating an inquiry into the ‘Battle Of Orgeave’ have been broken up by mounted police.

South Yorkshire Police commander Roy Hobbs said: “Some of those involved were wielding extremely dangerous opinions that we managed to beat out of them with big wooden sticks.

“I can reassure the public that none of our officers were physically hurt as the protestors were mostly old people due to the length of time they’ve been waiting for justice.

“Over 100 officer statements were generated during the operation and will be made public just as soon as I’ve got round to writing them.”

A formal confirmation of the decision will be published next week with a lengthy foreword to explain obscure historical terms such as ‘mining industry’ and ‘unions’.

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New ‘London pound’ coin to be worth about 45p

THE new 2017 pound coin will be a special ‘London pound’ worth less than half as much as the national version.

Londoners will be paid their salaries in the new currency without any increase to reflect the lower value, then be expected to still somehow pay their rent and bills.

A Royal Mint spokesman said: “It’s past time London had its own currency which reflects the remarkably poor value and hellish nature of the city.”

Restaurants and cafes have already prepared for the new coin by removing the ‘£’ signs from menus to make prices seem less extortionate.

Londoner Norman Steele said: “According to this menu a bacon butty is ‘7’. I knew there was no way that would be in normal pounds because it’s a bit of bacon jammed between two slices of bread.

“It’s good to know the precise terms on which I am being totally fucked.”