Gay man finds it in himself to tolerate religious person

A GAY man has met a Christian who appears civilised and could even be described as nice.

Tom Booker met church-goer Wayne Hayes when he started working in his office, and has expressed his surprise that he ‘really couldn’t tell’. 

Booker said: “We often end up in the kitchen at the same time to make a cup of tea, so we started exchanging pleasantries and worked up to longer conversations.

“He was always nice enough and talked about his family and allotment and stuff, so I presumed he was just a normal person. However, a few weeks later he mentioned something about believing in God.

“I was really shocked, but he seemed very cool about it. I asked if he thought it was just a phase and he said no, he’d been feeling this way since he was about nine.  

“I wanted to ask him what Christians actually do in church, but I got worried that he might think I’m secretly into it and try to recruit me. He hasn’t mentioned it since.

“It’s almost as if it’s a perfectly acceptable way to live your life, which has really given me pause for thought.  Just because you expect someone to be a massively judgemental dickhead, it doesn’t mean they will be.”

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Single woman genuinely loves getting shitfaced alone

A WOMAN who went to a dinner party with three annoying couples would definitely rather be getting hammered at home, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis was invited to dinner by friends concerned she might be lonely and sad due to being single, when she would rather have been at home with some wine and not having to put up with their tedious married bullshit.

Hollis, 32, said: “I only went along to humour them, as I know it makes them feel good to patronise me a bit about being single, especially as they are all clearly seething with resentment towards their partners.

“But it was a wasted night really, as for me there is no greater pleasure than spending the night in, getting pissed and not having to talk about middle class wank.

“Sometimes I drink a bottle of Prosecco from one of those massive Sports Direct mugs using a straw, just because there’s no one around to get funny about me not using a ‘proper’ glass.

“Then I’ll watch seven episodes of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares in a row before nearly setting the house on fire making toast.

“Would I swap it for being tutted at and asked if I’m coming to bed soon? No fucking chance.”