Posh family basically takes over pub

A WEALTHY family leave their shit lying all around the pub whenever they visit.

Rich bellend Tom Booker, his loud sinewy wife and awful children always occupy at least three tables, even if it means just leaving bits of the Financial Times strewn across furniture while they dick about outside.

Booker said: “We just do whatever the fuck we want when we go to the pub.

“Usually we chuck our coats in one corner of the room, our wellies in the middle of the floor and just let the dog do his dog stuff.

“Ideally we will have another wealthy knobhead family from London staying with us, so we can have a nauseating conversation about how property in the area is still bloody reasonable, whether you’re looking to move down or just for a second home.

“Sometimes we send our children to the bar with drinks orders, then get in a massive strop when the staff refuse to serve them.

“As we see it, everybody works for us.”

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Eighty percent would tell Dickensian Christmas ghosts to bugger off 

FOUR out of five people would completely fail to heed the lesson in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, experts have confirmed.

When shown dramatisations of their previous misdemeanours, most subjects simply shrugged their shoulders and suggested that, ‘shit happens that either wasn’t their fault or wasn’t such a big deal’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Using virtual reality technology – and a smidgeon of drugs – we were able to simulate the visitation of three ghosts to see if people have the moral fibre of a Victorian moneylender.

“They just spent most of their time trying to spy on people getting changed, and on Christmas morning they flung open their window and told the urchin in the street to get the fuck away from their car.”

Professor Brubaker added: “If the book were written today, the aim of the ghosts would be more modest, such as encouraging Scrooge to at least offer some form of payment protection insurance.”